Rest In Paradise, Andy

Okay, this blog isnt going to be like one of my regular posts. I feel like i should be writing this today.

On Wednesday night I found out that a very good friend of mine took his own life on Sunday. He was on vacation in colarado, and to my understanding he jumped off of something. I dont have details, and i suppose i dont really even want them. I dont want to think about what happened. I dont want him to be remembered badly. He was one of a kind. I really regret not getting closer to him because now, i will never have the chance. I really dont want to think like that though. I want to remember what I did know. He could make anyone laugh. No matter how crappy i was feeling, that kid could always make me feel better. I think I'm still going through the motions: crying, denial, blaming myself, getting mad at him... I'm pretty sure its normal, but as far as denial goes, i keep thinking this is some sick joke, and andy is gonna come back at make me forgive him. I do have valid reasons for believing he's still out there somewhere. His sisters arent allowed to see him or attend his funeral? thats crazy. Someone claiming to have webcamed with him yesterday? thats even crazier. I blamed myself for not being there for him. I started loosing touch with him. If i had just been there. Just once. Talked to him. It mightve saved him. And then there was being 100% pissed at him. How could he take his own life? Why the eff would he do that to me? to his other friends? to his family? I was mad at him for a day. I just couldnt believe he would do that. What I'm going through right now is just... i'm scared. He didn't believe in God. It wasnt his time. I honestly want to believe he's in a better place. I've been praying for him ever since i found out he was dead. I hope that God took him in. I pray he's in heaven. I want the best for him. I'm just so worried that he isn't. That he took his own life for nothing. I cant believe his life was that miserable that he just ended it. I loved him so much. He was like a brother to me. I miss him. I want him back. I guess, i dont know what to believe right now. Is he dead? Is he alive? I suppose it's something i wont find out for a while. I just hope he's happy. I hope he found what he was looking for. I love you, Andy. So much. Please remember that. Where ever you are. Just know i'm here, praying for you, giving my respects to your family, and most importantly, just remember me. I wish to God i knew where you we're. I love you, Andy. Rest in Paradise.

and i guess thats all for now,
Sophia