what. the. fuck.

And people wonder why I don't love my mom. My mom even knows I don't love her. In a way, I'm glad she knows, but she thinks it's a joke sometimes. Just to clear this up, I don't love you. I don't know how long this has gone on for. I don't know how long ago I realized it. It was probably somewhere in between you crushing my dreams, getting yelled at for something I didn't do, and your two-hour long lectures that I'm not allowed to have a say in. I hate to break it to you, but I do what you tell me to. I don't argue. I haven't in a while. I don't lie to you. I obey you, because it avoids problems. I don't argue or talk-back because my voice jolts your memory back a couple years and makes you start yelling at me for something I don't even remember doing. I don't even know how you can start yelling at me for something I haven't even gotten the chance to do. I don't lie to you, but you seem to think I do. Once you have a story in your head, there's no point in trying to change it, so I don't even bother. I tell you the truth because I want you to know what really happened. Actually, now that I think of it, I lie a lot. I lie because of that story I was talking about. If you accuse me of doing something I didn't do, then I'll tell you I didn't. If your just gonna take that opportunity to give me a lecture on lying and how what I did was wrong, then I don't even bother telling you what really happened. Bitch, you have anger issues to the max. I don't know when this started happening. I thought you were just PMSing or something when this happened two years ago. It never stopped, so I knew I was wrong. Why is it that every time I try to say one word to my brother, I'm all of a sudden in a bad mood. How can I be in a bad mood without even knowing it? I swear, you write these lectures in your head, and then look for a place to throw them into my day. I wish I wasn't sick right now. You feel the need to keep me home the second I start sniffling. I need to fake a miraculous healing or something. I need to pretend that I feel fantastic tomorrow because I can't take being kept in this house all day again. I want to get out of here. Kill me.

busybusybusy.

So, now that I actually have time for a life outside of music and such, I've been doing things that you actually are supposed to do with friends!

Friday Night- Dinner for Tyler Houck's birthday! YoungDong's(: Really good korean Barbecue!

Saturday Morning- Went to watch my friends get confirmed(: like Nicole Ulgado, Jeremy Gozzip, Lauren Dizon, Gabby Martin, Ian Esguerra, and Ronaline Meneses! :D

Saturday Afternoon- Lucille's with Vivian, Jeremy, and his family(: They're so funny! The food was delicious too!

Saturday Night- Watched movies and looked through old yearbooks with Tyler Houck and Ji Seo! FunFunFun! Tyler had never seen Mulan before! O: so we watched that first. And then we started watching A.I. but we didn't get to finish :(

Today is Sunday. The day of rest(:

stream of consciousness(:

i don't even know what to title this. I think this is just going to be a stream of consciousness blog(: you know, where you write about everything thats on your mind. it doesnt have to make sense, you just... write. er, type ! :D no holding back(: well, lets get started

DAAAYTOOON ! i'm so excited and i have this amazing feeling in my stomach. i cant describe it. i think its anxiousness. i havent been on a plane in forever! what if i die? would anyone even care? why should anyone care? I'm nothing special =/

oh dang, i still have to make all those cookies. SOMENJENON PRESENT ! SOphia, MENdie, JENny, and shannON. yaaay ! LMAO.

i hope alex likes them. i havent made the ones he likes in a while. i feel bad. he really likes them when theyre crunchy. But i gotta love his honesty. If he doesn't like them, he tells me. He doesn't try to be nice or sugar coat it. "Sophia, the cookies just weren't good today." and then i fix it :D mucho helper(:

DANGIT i pinky promised myself that i wouldnt hold back here. okay, here i go. sneak a peak into this fucked up place. you can call it, my heart? i guess that works.

my mom keeps telling me how much shes going to miss me when im in ohio. she actually started crying. It almost makes me feel bad about how im always saying how much she doesnt love me. but then i start to think: if she really loved me this much. why does her love have to be conditional? it should have to be like that. Not to sound conceited, but I think I deserve love as much as the next person. On the other hand, shes kind of made me the person I am now. The only thing is, I dont like the person I am now. I'm shy, quiet around alot of people, self-conscious, terrified of rejection, so used to being let down, I don't stick up for myself when I get pushed around, and I never have hope that things are gonna get better. I'm generally a negative person, I cry way too easily, and I do such a good job of hiding my feelings that I always break down when I get home because it's been bottled up all day. I hate how I'm crying right now. I hate how I always feel so helpless. I don't think I'm ever going to truely feel that my mom loves me, no matter what. That bothers me to no end. I think thats really all I have ever wanted in this house. Approval and Love. I can't even write anymore. I guess I'll just end here.