stream of consciousness(:

i don't even know what to title this. I think this is just going to be a stream of consciousness blog(: you know, where you write about everything thats on your mind. it doesnt have to make sense, you just... write. er, type ! :D no holding back(: well, lets get started

DAAAYTOOON ! i'm so excited and i have this amazing feeling in my stomach. i cant describe it. i think its anxiousness. i havent been on a plane in forever! what if i die? would anyone even care? why should anyone care? I'm nothing special =/

oh dang, i still have to make all those cookies. SOMENJENON PRESENT ! SOphia, MENdie, JENny, and shannON. yaaay ! LMAO.

i hope alex likes them. i havent made the ones he likes in a while. i feel bad. he really likes them when theyre crunchy. But i gotta love his honesty. If he doesn't like them, he tells me. He doesn't try to be nice or sugar coat it. "Sophia, the cookies just weren't good today." and then i fix it :D mucho helper(:

DANGIT i pinky promised myself that i wouldnt hold back here. okay, here i go. sneak a peak into this fucked up place. you can call it, my heart? i guess that works.

my mom keeps telling me how much shes going to miss me when im in ohio. she actually started crying. It almost makes me feel bad about how im always saying how much she doesnt love me. but then i start to think: if she really loved me this much. why does her love have to be conditional? it should have to be like that. Not to sound conceited, but I think I deserve love as much as the next person. On the other hand, shes kind of made me the person I am now. The only thing is, I dont like the person I am now. I'm shy, quiet around alot of people, self-conscious, terrified of rejection, so used to being let down, I don't stick up for myself when I get pushed around, and I never have hope that things are gonna get better. I'm generally a negative person, I cry way too easily, and I do such a good job of hiding my feelings that I always break down when I get home because it's been bottled up all day. I hate how I'm crying right now. I hate how I always feel so helpless. I don't think I'm ever going to truely feel that my mom loves me, no matter what. That bothers me to no end. I think thats really all I have ever wanted in this house. Approval and Love. I can't even write anymore. I guess I'll just end here.