Okay, so I admit, it's been a while. I've been crazy busy and I'm finding ways to vent that aren't over a little blog. This time, however, this is my only venting tool. I know that probably no one is gonna read this. I know that no one probably cares. Just let me think what I want to, okay?
Every single time that I get to come home just a little bit happy, SOMEONE just has to go out of there way to kill it and break me down again. I'm not even sure if I was happy when I came home. I just remember I didn't feel like crying when I walked through the door. I'm almost supprised that I can consider that "happy". I honestly don't remember what happiness feels like. I want to say that it's sad and feel sorry for myself, but I can't. That will get me no where. Every single morning, I have to wake up, fight tears, and put on a smile when I come to school. Honestly, I'm getting tired of it. I feel like my body is getting sick of listening to my mind. I honestly feel like I'm being ripped apart from the inside. I hate my life. I know that there are people out there who have lives that are much much worse than mine. I am thankful that I am not them. Still, more than anything, I want to be happy. Just one more time. I want to get out of this house and be with the people who don't hate me. I want to be with the people who care. I want to be away from all of the bullshit in the world. I want to be with the people who don't want to make me cry all the time. Away from the drama, and the stress, and the crap, and the tears. Nothing is worth my tears. People like them aren't worth my tears. I will never give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Never give them the satisfaction of knowing they can hurt me. Sometimes I want to cry. I want to make them feel bad for treating me like shit. But I can't. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of everything. If I could get away from it right now, I would. Sometimes I want to run away. So far away. Run away and never, ever come back. To be able to start fresh. To live a carefree lifestyle. To live my life the way I want to. But running away from my problems won't do any good. My parents want me off the computer. They want me to get away from this virtual world I've created for myself. They want to know why I spend countless hours on this computer. The truth is, this is my only distraction. My only escape. The only place where I can get away from everything and just pretend it doesn't exhist. The only place I might actually be able to finally be happy. I wish it didn't have to be in this stupid computer. Honestly, I do. But it can't be. And it never will be. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling like worthless shit all the time. I want to get away from it, and I can't.
I'm stuck here in an endless portal, a black hole of tears. I'm climbing, screaming, begging someone to help me out. Some people stop by to help me, but they can't always pull. They are forced to leave, and I fall back in. Deeper and deeper untill I'm sure that I'm stuck here forever. Please, somebody, anybody. Help me. Please.
-Sophia
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